Superman's Dirty Secret Life!
by Cheep FIsh Baby
Summary: A humorous parody of what would happen if Pre-Crisis type stories were told in a post-crisis universe. Based on the infamous "Superman is a Dick". In this chapter, Superman plots murder... of a 1950s pop star?
1. Default Chapter

Chapter 1

Prologue

Superman is an alluding figure. He lives a life so public and yet so very private. How quickly the people of the world have been to let this man enter there hearts, and yet he is no man. He is a Kryptonian. An alien. He is unlike anybody on Earth. From a society whose morals are nothing like ours. Whose very DNA is nothing like ours. How can a man, isolated from anybody like him, live so long on a strange home, impressed from the time he was adopted by two simpleton farmers about morals, and about how he must protect the world, without snapping. He holds more power than anyone, holds knowledge unknown to anyone else. He is a God among ants. And everyday he lives, he hides his dark secrets, is sick secret life, where his greatest amusement is in torturing those around him. Here is a story where we will see the true Superman, who slowly and surely is being exposed to the world who worshiped him. Because, Superman is a dick.


	2. Who Burnt Pat Boone?

Clark Kent entered his apartment after a long day's work. Exhausted, he quickly took off his glasses and suit and collapsed on his bed.

Clark wasn't exhausted from a long day's work at the Daily Planet; Superman was exhausted from once again having to save the actual planet. After his long battle with Darkseid, he hadn't particularly felt like going back and pretending to be weak, boring Kent for another eight hours, which was why he was so happy to get out of his disguise and into his real clothes, the red, blue, gold outfit complete with cape, boots, and his family crest.

He wondered why he ever thought of living his life like this. Sometimes he felt he was really Clark, and other times Superman, and other times Kal-El. He had grown-up to be Kent, but that wasn't who he was born. He was born Kal-El, from a planet where morals and values were relative to the situation you were in, where nobody would try so hard to uphold truth as he did. Why did he do all this than, Because of the Ma and Pa, Or because of Jor-El and Lara? Yet, he wasn't raised Kal-El. And what you're raised as usually has more effect than what you're born. If he hadn't been sent to Earth, where would he be, dead? Or perhaps a Green Lantern, he laughed to himself.

And than there was Superman, He created Superman. And yet, Superman was what he looked like and was able to do, whereas Clark Kent, the identity he had also been, suddenly became a disguise. Therefore, wouldn't Superman, being the self that was completely of his creating, and not of outside circumstances, be the real him? Why than did he hide? And why did he bother protecting these useless beings. Sometimes he wished Earth had been the planet to blow-up instead of Krypton.

But still, he had his fun, His games. Oh, if people only knew what he did. And there was always Lois, his soul mate, the linking factor of all his identities, and pretty damn hot too. Still, Lois was weak, stupid, possessing all the worst traits of Earthlings. They could never really be together, but he liked the fact that she was obsessed with him. Superman was all powerful in strength, but he needed some boosting with his emotional side.

Thinking of Lois, he perked up his ears, to listen in on her as he so often did. He hoped she was fantasizing about him, moaning his name, thinking nobody could hear what she was doing. He blocked out the noise of about 15 blocks of Metropolis and listened.

"Welcome, come on in," said Lois. That was strange. Lois was a pathetic, work-obsessed shrew. She didn't have friends. Who could that be?

"Why hello Ms. Lane, thank you for inviting me," said another voice. A man's voice! My God, Lois had another man in her apartment! That tramp! How dare her! He was going over there right now to get to the bottom of this.

In about 1/9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999th of a second, Superman stood on Lois's balcony, where he saw her sitting at the piano, and a man with a guitar in his hand. Wait a second, he knew that guy! Could it be? Superman did a quick search of the entire planet with his x-ray vision until he found a poster of Pat Boone in Britain. It was identical to this man. 50's singing sensation Pat Boone was standing in Lois's apartment playing the guitar!

"I'm so grateful you could come and record this song about Superman with me, Mr. Boone," said Lois.

"Are you kidding, how could I pass over something like this? This song will make millions!" answered Pat. "Now, let's try it one more time, _Come sing a song of Superman, Superman is a great man..."_

"I don't believe this!" Superman said to himself. "Lois and Pat Boone are conspiring to make a hit song about me! How dare them! Without even asking me first! That's just rude, and possibly illegal! I'm going to put a stop to this if it's the last thing I do!" he said and flew off to the Fortress of Solitude to make a plan.

Superman thought for hours, and finally he knew what to do. He must murder Pat Boone! Yes, that would teach him a lesson he wouldn't soon forget! He felt exhilarated to be thinking of doing this. He was tired of letting the criminals go off to jail. If he murdered Pat he knew Lois would never think to even look at another man ... to make shady business dealings. Yes. That's it. It took Superman about 24 hours to make up his complicated plan, he wrote down everything he thought and when he was done his sheet read like this...

Superman Krypto sketch of Lana Lang naked

I 0

XXO

XOX

OOO

Plan- How to stop Lois and Pats romantic shady business dealings

Ideas- Pretend like it doesn't bother me

**MURDER PAT BOONE!**

Possible designs for Pat's tombstone

------------------------------------

/ \

RIP PAT BOONE

MURDERED BY SUPERMAN!

It was by now already evening, so Superman used his super-senses to find where Pat Boone was. He was backstage at a nightclub in Metropolis, only a couple of thousand miles away. He zoomed over, accidentally demolishing a couple of small villages at the speed he was going, and appeared in Pat's dressing room.

"Superman!" cried Pat Boone. "But, you weren't supposed to be here yet! Please don't tell me you found out about everything!"

"I sure did Mac, I know all about the song!"

"Oh no, Lois will be devastated!"

"Prepare to die! Hee hee, I always wanted to say that!"

"Wha--" Pat started, but before he could finish he was already burnt to a crisp.

"Ha ha ha, now, all I have to do is..." but suddenly, Superman heard Lois's voice from the other side of the building.

"Where is Superman, he was supposed to be here a half-hour ago. Jimmy Olsen and I invited him personally. Imagine, late for his birthday celebration! And Pat Boone and I wrote that great song for him that would only be played here tonight and have absolutely no-profit, but would be broadcasted around the world and make millions, that is to say, people happy!"

"Oh my God, what have I done!" cried Superman. "Of course, I've been so preoccupied with my job with my Super Friends the Justice League of America, that I completely forgot tonight was my birthday. It's a good thing I heard Lois's talking in that unusual manner that somehow explained everything. But now Pat is already dead, what do I do?" Suddenly, he heard the doorknob turning, and he flew quickly out the window.

"Pat, are you ready…" started Lois, "Oh No! Pat Boone is dead! Oh my, it looks like he was burnt by some sort of X-Ray vision. Who could have done this?"

Superman flew off. He knew nobody would ever suspect him. But still, he knew he had to do something. He'd like the feeling of killing, and he wasn't about to let his secrets be exposed to world.


End file.
